Many people can orgasm by themselves but not with a partner. Factors such as communication, feeling comfortable with your body, and past trauma can all contribute to this phenomenon.
In this post, I’m going to focus on a factor that you might not think about: internet porn. I don’t want to hate on porn, it can be part of a healthy sex life. However, if someone regularly uses porn from a young age it can affect their ability to orgasm with a partner.
To illustrate, I’ll create a fictional person: Greg. Greg started watching porn every night at age 12. There was a certain kind of pornography he was into, and he became accustomed to watching it. He met his first boyfriend in college when he was 19, and they had sex. Even though he was attracted to his partner, he couldn’t orgasm. Whenever they hooked up, he would start thinking “Am I going to come? Why can’t I do it? What’s wrong with me?” They dated for a year, and he could never achieve orgasm. He felt distressed, and he didn’t know where to get help. He tried googling the phenomenon and mostly found articles about women not being able to orgasm. This made him feel isolated and even more confused.
Okay, so let’s discuss how porn might be a factor for Greg. Internet porn is free, readily available, and extremely stimulating. Different sexual acts flick by rapidly on screen. If something becomes boring, it’s easy to fast forward or click to another video. In addition, pornography often caters to sexual taboos. These taboos can be highly erotic, but they are unlikely to play out with a real-life partner. Sex with a partner has a different kind of stimulation than masturbating to porn. Partnered sex is often less story-based and less visual. It relies on different senses and different bodily stimulation .
Pornography also depicts unrealistic standards of sexuality and bodies. Men’s bodies are toned, their penises large, and they can last for thirty minutes. Women are thin, large-breasted, and hairless.
All of these factors can make it difficult for long-time regular porn users to orgasm with a partner. In Greg’s case, he had 7 years to grow accustomed to a certain kind of sexual stimulation. Once Greg became stressed about not orgasming, a negative cycle developed. Greg became anxious, his body tensed, and he wasn’t in the moment with his boyfriend. This in turn made it harder for him to orgasm. This in turn made him more stressed.
Fortunately, there are ways to change this pattern. If you’re having a hard time orgasming with a partner, try taking a break from masturbating and pornography. Start with a month-long break and see how you feel. This can help your brain adjust to different stimulation.
It sounds counterintuitive, but stop trying to orgasm. The harder you try, the harder it actually is. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “it’s about the journey, not the destination,” this applies to orgasming. Try to be in the moment with your body. Feel the sensations that are occurring—kissing, touching, sounds. It’s okay if you don’t orgasm, just focus on feelings of pleasure.
Being in the moment is easier said than done. Mindfulness is difficult even for people who meditate regularly. If you want to practice mindfulness, you can attend a local meditation class or download a meditation app like Headspace or Insight Timer.
This post should not be substituted for medical care from qualified health professionals.