A little-known fact about libido

Hey there! Maybe you’re reading this blog post because you’re struggling with low libido. Or you’re reading this because you want a fun fact to share at dinner parties. (Sex, always a neutral topic!) Either way, welcome to the blog.

When thinking about libido, there are two different types of arousal. One is “spontaneous” sexual desire and one is “responsive” sexual desire. Spontaneous sexual desire goes something like this: you look at your partner and think about how attractive they are. You get turned on. You initiate sexual activity.

Spontaneous desire is often portrayed in the media. In a movie, the two leads share a smoldering look, make out, and clothes come off. (Then the two leads wake up wearing pants and strategically placed sheets.) These media portrayals can make spontaneous desire seem normal or like it’s “the gold standard.”

Spontaneous desire feels even more “normal” because it’s often present at the beginning of a relationship. During the first two years of a relationship, it’s common that couples want to tear each other’s clothes off at any opportunity. But spontaneous desire often fades over time. This doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. It’s also completely normal if spontaneous desire fades for one partner but it doesn’t fade for the other partner. If you want to read more about mismatched libidos, check out this great podcast episode from Therapist Uncensored.

So, if spontaneous desire has faded (or is greatly reduced) then what is left? Responsive desire. Responsive desire goes something like this: your partner asks if you want to make out. You’re not sure if you’re in the mood but you’re open to the possibility. You start making out. It feels good. You get turned on. Sexual activity ensues.

Responsive desire means that someone does not get turned on until some form of sexual activity (like kissing) begins. This is completely normal. If you want to learn more about it, check out this TEDx talk from sex researcher Emily Nagoski. You can also read her book Come as You Are.

Crucial note: this does not mean that you should pressure your partner into having sex. If someone says no, that means no. Don’t say “oh you’ll like it when it starts, because responsive desire.” People always have the right to say no. People also have the right to say no to anything once sexual activity has started.

For people who frequently feel responsive desire, you can try kissing, touching, etc. and see how you feel. If you’re still not feeling it, then stop. If you start to feel into it, then go from there. It’s crucial that once any kind of sexual activity begins there is no pressure. This includes the pressure to orgasm or the pressure to do any specific sexual act.

Libido is incredibly complex, and this is only one piece of the puzzle. If you are experiencing low libido and it’s causing you distress, reach out to a sex therapist in your area.

This blog post should not be substituted for medical care from qualified health professionals.

The sexual pursuer/distancer dynamic in relationships

It’s very common in relationships for one person to have a higher libido than their partner. Even though it’s common, it can be distressing. The higher-libido partner (or pursuer) can feel rejected, undesirable, and like their needs are not being met. The lower-libido partner (or distancer) can feel pressured and like they aren’t living up to expectations. 

Both pursuers and distancers have valid reasons for wanting more intimacy or more space. Try to avoid placing blame on one member of the relationship. Instead, be curious about the dynamic. 

The pursuer/distancer cycle can be self-perpetuating. The more the pursuer asks for sex, the more the distancer feels pressured. The more the distancer feels pressured, the less likely they are to want sex. The more the distancer declines sex, the more the pursuer wants closeness. 

To change this, both partners need to attempt to reverse the cycle. The pursuer needs to pause pursuing, and the distancer needs to begin initiating. 

The distancer might feel so burnt out at this point that they don’t want to initiate at all. Sometimes the distancer needs to process sexual trauma or shame about their body or sexuality. This can take time. 

The distancer can try thinking about what turns them on. Is it a date night? A clean house? Lots of foreplay? The distancer can also pinpoint what turns them off. Negative body image? A stressful day? A bad night’s sleep?

The pursuer can think about what sex means to them. For example, sex can make the pursuer feel attractive, loved, and close to their partner. These are all understandable feelings, and sex is an important part of a relationship. However, the pursuer can also think about other ways they could feel close to their partner. Perhaps quality time, long conversations, or compliments could help the pursuer feel loved and desired. The pursuer might also need to work on self-esteem and body image, so they can feel confident even if their partner declines an advance. 

Keep in mind that these dynamics can change over time. For example, someone might be a pursuer in one relationship, and be a distancer in another relationship.

Sexuality is incredibly complex. If you’re struggling with the sexual pursuer/distancer dynamic, I recommend seeking out a sex or couple’s therapist in your area. Know that whatever you’re experiencing, you’re not alone.