It’s very common in relationships for one person to have a higher libido than their partner. Even though it’s common, it can be distressing. The higher-libido partner (or pursuer) can feel rejected, undesirable, and like their needs are not being met. The lower-libido partner (or distancer) can feel pressured and like they aren’t living up to expectations.
Both pursuers and distancers have valid reasons for wanting more intimacy or more space. Try to avoid placing blame on one member of the relationship. Instead, be curious about the dynamic.
The pursuer/distancer cycle can be self-perpetuating. The more the pursuer asks for sex, the more the distancer feels pressured. The more the distancer feels pressured, the less likely they are to want sex. The more the distancer declines sex, the more the pursuer wants closeness.
To change this, both partners need to attempt to reverse the cycle. The pursuer needs to pause pursuing, and the distancer needs to begin initiating.
The distancer might feel so burnt out at this point that they don’t want to initiate at all. Sometimes the distancer needs to process sexual trauma or shame about their body or sexuality. This can take time.
The distancer can try thinking about what turns them on. Is it a date night? A clean house? Lots of foreplay? The distancer can also pinpoint what turns them off. Negative body image? A stressful day? A bad night’s sleep?
The pursuer can think about what sex means to them. For example, sex can make the pursuer feel attractive, loved, and close to their partner. These are all understandable feelings, and sex is an important part of a relationship. However, the pursuer can also think about other ways they could feel close to their partner. Perhaps quality time, long conversations, or compliments could help the pursuer feel loved and desired. The pursuer might also need to work on self-esteem and body image, so they can feel confident even if their partner declines an advance.
Keep in mind that these dynamics can change over time. For example, someone might be a pursuer in one relationship, and be a distancer in another relationship.
Sexuality is incredibly complex. If you’re struggling with the sexual pursuer/distancer dynamic, I recommend seeking out a sex or couple’s therapist in your area. Know that whatever you’re experiencing, you’re not alone.